Random Ramblings....

So much on my mind this week, actually the last two weeks.

I'm 2 weeks sober today. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog.

I know how precarious my sobriety is and I can't afford to become complacent about it. It's strange because for someone who loves a drink so much, right now I feel so clean and healthy that I never want to see another bottle of vodka again.

Having said that, I'm aware of my own weaknesses and triggers. I know as soon as I feel overwhelmed, stressed, frightened or sad, that little voice will come from the shadows of my mind again and try to seduce me. I must be strong and remember why I'm doing this.

I have some thoughts I wish to get "out on paper" so to speak. I feel that in my clear headed state I'm starting to process a lot of things I haven't been able to before and get some clarity. Obvious, huh? I guess it's not easy to think things through properly when your head is clouded with vodka.

C and I split up nearly 6 months ago now and in that time I've swung wildly back and forth on where I stand about it all. On the one hand, it didn't really seem like a "proper breakup" as we would still see each other about once a month, have mind blowing, amazing, filthy sex and revert to our old ways.

On the other hand, I knew things had changed dramatically. I knew that by continuing to sleep with her randomly was offering her false hope and prolonging the separation that had to occur.

In many ways, I think C became my safety blanket. Not just in the last 6 months, either.

I've been thinking a lot about why our relationship went wrong. I know it boils down to two major things from my perspective. One - her relationship with her ex girlfriend and two - her relationship with a toxic friend of hers.

Without boring everyone with the details I will summarise by saying this: her relationship with her ex girlfriend never ended, it just changed forms. In my opinion they were like a couple in every respect other than the having sex part. Lines were blurred - they work together, gym together, lunch together, have holidayed together and gone sex shopping together. They are emotionally dependant on one another to the point where even their friends think it's weird.

I didn't like it. It kind of sucks when your girlfriends ex girlfriend comes over to your house and you end up watching the two of them talk to each other all night about things you can't relate to. And it kind of sucks when the said ex girlfriend deliberately steers the topic of conversation to scenarios you never witnessed and people you never met. Enough said.

Second toxic friend is the most poisonous and vicious person I have encountered in my life. I believe that I have encountered more than my fair share of girls who have a problem with me for whatever reason but this one takes the cake. I met her once when I was invited to her house for Christmas Day. It was the first time I ever met any of C's friends or family. I pulled out all the stops to make a good impression.

Her brothers were amazing, friendly, funny and engaging. Her sister in law couldn't have been cooler. But R (ugh even typing her name makes me feel ill) hated me on sight.

She spent most of the afternoon shooting daggers at me and my children. But the worst was yet to come.

It turns out that after I left the party, R proceeded to spout the most hideous and terrible lies about me that I have ever heard in my life. I can't even begin to repeat them here, I still find it painful to think of 3 years on. It was when she started the attacks on my children though that she went too far.

Whilst C cut back her friendship with R, she never really stepped up to the plate for me and put R back in her place. She spent a lot of years defending R and telling me how I should just "get over it". Here's the thing - I'll never "get over it" when someone sets out to attack my children. And I'll never get over someone telling lies to all who will listen about me, either. Especially when they were so abhorrent.

So there in a nutshell were the reasons we split.

There was an awful lot of good between us, and I guess there still is. But as I said, I've been thinking about it and I've realised a few things.

The first thing is C is never going to change. She is always going to be the kind of person who has an overwhelming desire to please her friends and quash her own thoughts and feelings for the sake of smoothing everything over. Often at my expense. This will not change.

Two - C is beyond amazing at talking the talk yet walking the walk is not so good. This is the crux of it for me. Looking back I can understand why I was so bitterly crushed at some of her actions. It's because they were in such contrast to the words she spoke and made me believe. When someone makes you feel so safe, so secure, so very loved and cherished, it hurts so much more when they let you down.

Three - I've realised in the last couple of weeks that I really DON'T deserve to be second best to my partner. I DO deserve to be treated with respect and care and if I have feelings they shouldn't be shot down. Even if my partner doesen't understand them.

I can see know how much of a battering my self esteem has taken in the last few years. I've undergone some terrible experiences and as a result I turned to booze. It wasn't the answer and it's done nought but to intensify my self loathing.

Again, I feel like the fog is clearing now and I'm hanging tight to these feelings of self discovery. I don't want this for myself, I don't want to be this person that I became. I know fundamentally, it's not who I am. I'm a strong woman! I've faced some hardcore situations head on and I've come through them in one piece.

I don't want a partner who has a life still merged with their exes. I don't want a partner who is hanging out with a woman who caused my years of grief. I don't want a partner who makes me believe then isn't here when I'm at my lowest.

More to come.