Oh God, when will the pain stop

Just when I think C can't hurt me any more - she does. Via Facebook.

Facebook is both a blessing and a curse. Whilst it enables us to stay abreast of what our nearest and dearest are doing and communicate with them in an instant - it can also give us a glimpse into peoples lives that we don't necessarily want to see.

I checked my best friends Facebook page today so that I could post a message thanking her for the lovely Christmas evening we spent together. Whilst on her page, I noticed in her "friends list", Cs Sister in Law. This girl was a fixture in my life and the boys life for 3 years, along with her partner, Cs brother.

We were quite the little family unit for a long time - sharing many a weekend together cooking, eating, drinking and playing with the boys. Barbeques were had, day trips were taken, stories were shared and quite a bond was formed. Drunken evenings turned into lazy Sunday mornings where we all lazed about playing cards or board games. I adore them.

Anyway, thought I'd have a click on her page to see how she's doing - maybe send her a message to say hello. First thing that jumped out at me was a Photo Album she'd added called Ski Trip.

I wish I hadn't opened it.

The last thing I feel like seeing today is photos of C and N skiing together. Oh with N's token boyfriend tagging along.

This is almost indescribable but those images burned into my memory and caused a physical response in my body. You know that feeling where your stomach just drops. That one.

It shouldn't even matter to me, those photos were taken after we had broken up. It's just the thought that C is still with this person. The person she shares a relationship with that has caused me so much pain and made me feel like I was always "Girlfriend Number 2" so to speak. Just seeing their smiling faces in their matching outfits (ugh) compounds my belief that it is actually a fact that those two are on a life journey together and will never be divided.

I'm surprised at the hurt and pain it's bought to the surface with me. I thought I'd come much farther than this and accepted things for how they really are. I guess I have to admit to harbouring a flame in my heart for this woman, however stupid that is. I didn't realise it was burning so brightly, I thought it had dimmed to but a flicker. I was wrong.

Just knowing she is with this family group - which once I held to my heart as my own - with N - just kills me inside. It feels like she was only ever on loan to me, never completely mine as N was always there to drag her back to what they shared/share. It's like something stuck in my chest that I can't get out - it sticks there heavy and ominous and won't allow my mind to disengage from the thought of the two of them together.

It sickens me - angers me to the extreme, that this could have been MY family. If only she would have stepped up to the plate and given me the chance. I fucking tried so hard with that girl. It was all in vain. I know she is not ready to cut the apron strings and for some reason that I will never accept or define, N plays a role in her life that she will never stop clinging to.

You know, I begged her to listen to my feelings on this issue when we were together. I remember one evening when I got so drunk that I called her at 3am and said "Baby, this is eating me alive". Her response, "You're being ridiculous". I tried to approach her from every angle, I gave her scenarios, I broke it down in terms a child could understand, I even drew fucking diagrams. It all fell on deaf ears.

She allegedly "understands" now what she did and why it was wrong to behave in the manner she did. Pretty hollow isn't it, when they're sharing a fucking ski trip together. Cosy times.

I have to get this out, I have to let this writing flow - I cannot let this be a reason to drink today. I am almost 2 weeks sober. I cannot let her do this to me again.

I have to learn to put C in the right place in my life - the past. I'm starting to think I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself from moving forward. Other women are interested in me yet I look for the smallest reason to not take it further. I guess I'm not ready, there's obviously more grieving to do. More things I have to learn how to accept. They are bitter pills to swallow.

I still dream of her every night. I guess my dreaming mind is making sense of what has happened in ways I cannot achieve in a waking state.

I howled this morning after I saw those pics - gut wrenching, hot tears, my throat in knots, head in my hands, weeping from a primal place of fear and hurt. Will I *ever* find someone who can love me, truly? Or is this it? This constant disappointment and pain? I'm tired. I'm weary. I crave respite.

The timing couldn't be worse, I had an awful day yesterday with the Ex Husband placing demands on me re: my eldest child. Expecting to have him stay at his drug den of a house without me and my youngest son. The thought fills me with dread. I'm painfully aware of what goes on in that house and it's not scenarios I want my son to be privy to. My maternal instincts cry out to protect him yet at the same time I have no say over the Ex's legal rights to see him.

His Russian nature makes it impossible for me to reason with him or be up front, I have to pussy foot around and sugar coat everything trying to keep the boat from rocking, so that I can protect the children. Oh god, it is so hard - makes my heart feel so heavy with the burden of it. How I long for freedom. It's in vain though as it's just not going to come. This is a part of my life I have to deal with for at least the next 15 years - so why fight it. I should just suck it up, right.

Having said that, I do find it hard not to let it get on top of me from time to time. Just need to get this overnight visit over and done with so I can breathe again.

I feel so ripped off. I know I'm a loving, giving, loyal partner. So why does this shit happen to me? To quote my 3 year old "IT'S NOT FAAAIIIIRRRR". and whilst at age 35 I should know better than to revert to self pity and wallow in it, I have to admit it's exactly how I feel today.

My children have been screaming at each other all morning, the screams penetrating my brain and making me feel like I've lost my mind; fighting and goading one another - symptomatic of the school holidays I guess - add this to the tension of the photos fresh in my mind, the worry over my son's overnight stay with an irresponsible imbecile next week and my general withdrawl from alcohol and you are left with a cocktail of despair.

I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm so sick of feeling down. I wanna be one of those shiny, happy people that always seem to cope with whatever life throws their way. I know if I want that I have to work on it, work on being more positive, work on seeing the silver lining. I don't want to today, I can't today. I just don't have it in me.

I think this blog has saved me from opening the vodka today. For this I am grateful. I know it won't save me the pain - just postpone it for another day.

So bring it on Motherfuckers. I'm strong, although I feel so weak inside right now and like I wanna give up. I know that's not an option. I refuse to let them beat me.

It's such a lonely battle, makes me feel so small and alienated. I crave a partner yet at the same time I know I'm not ready for what that entails. I feel sentimental about the good parts of my relationship with Claire (and there were many) and anxious to contact her for comfort and support but I know I can never go back. I'm in limbo, really. Not healed enough to move on but still clinging to C in ways I shouldn't.