Depression snapping at my heels

This past week has been completely crap.

Don't get me wrong, I've had moments of unadulterated joy - my kids save me like that.

My ex husband however is the bane of my life and Iam struggling with his constant presence in our lives.

I am so envious of other women who leave their husbands and never have to see them again. I'm burdened with mine once a week and that doesen't include his almost daily phonecalls. Will I ever have my own life? Free of his insane influence and arrogance?

I guess it wouldn't be so hard to bear if he was a regular, decent kind of guy. He's far from that, though. He's not the kind of person I would have in my life at all if it wasn't for my legal obligations to him.

He is untrustworthy, unreliable, self absorbed, selfish, short tempered and I can't stand him. Having him in my home, watching him touch my things and silently judge me makes my skin crawl. I dread his visits and the aftermath of them quite often makes me physically ill.

His most recent visit on Sunday was one of the worst I have experienced with him.

His Russian mentality of raising our boys to be little soldiers who don't have tantrums, don't cry and basically just do whatever the fuck he wants them to do at that very second is totally unrealistic and often, in my opinion, cruel.

When he is here, I feel beyond stressed and on edge - listening to every word the kids say - hoping they don't say something he'll jump on, just waiting for him to open his stupid mouth and tell me how he's gonna take the boys away from me.

Generally, I've learnt to live with his presence and accept it as part of my life I cannot change. This past week though I've found the thought of him infringing on my life indefinately almost too much to bear.

My depression is lapping at my heels. I can feel it.

I cannot afford to let it get me again. I've come too far and I can't succumb. But oh, it is so dammed hard. I feel like my life is Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day.

It's a struggle every morning to drag myself out of bed and take my eldest to school. Thank Goodness we are in the last week of the year - I don't think I am capable of plodding on like this for much longer.

All I wanna do is lie on the couch and watch 6 Feet Under - my latest obsession - and for everyone to just leave me alone. I crave sleep. I know these are classic signs of depression, it's not lost on me - I'm aware of what's going on.

I miss C. Even though she has hurt me, I crave the kindness she gives me and the love she brings to my table. I feel so utterly, utterly alone. Here in the house, just me and the kids. The responsibility is overwhelming to me. I try my hardest every day of my life yet every night I go to bed feeling that I have failed.

I feel so confused on where I actually stand in it all. I'm working hard on processing the break down of my relationship with C and how I feel about it. Why do I have a different opinion every day? I can't seem to get a grasp on what it really is I want.

I'm more concise about what I don't want. That's easy for me to carve in stone. What's wrong with me? I feel so fucking negative about everything. My well's run dry, I'm tired and I'm burnt out. I have no reserves to draw on.