One of my last emails to C

you know, for years i suffered over you and n - feeling second best, taking a back seat. youre "real" life is up there with her and i'm stuck down here.
Even Friday night you were enjoying yourself and relaxing with her at her home with your family whilst i stupidly sat on my arse waiting for you to get home from your "quick dinnner with d" so that we could discuss some issues between us and you would hopefully garner some empathy and understand how i got to the point where i feel i cant trust you.
You KNEW i wanted you to come on the weekend, and you told me the reason you couldnt was cos of Lolas bday. Now i know the REAL reason was because N was having a dinner party at her place.
The simple fact is you could have been with me on friday night had you so wanted to - and had you wanted to work on our relationship as I was trying to do.
Why do you think I talk to you every day and help you and be with you in SL every night??? It's cos I was hoping that you would step up to the plate for me and show me that I am your number one and that youre solid and true and that i can trust you. I told you I needed you to, I told you I was waiting for you to.
Fuck you must have been pissing yourself. Fuckhead Natalia tapping away at the keyboard as per while you all party on. Fuck, she'll never find out so who cares right?? I guess you think it's OK to do whatever you want whenever you want as long as I stay in the background, oblivious - where i obviously belong.
You've made a complete fool out of me and I feel SO stupid, I cannot begin to tell you.
Again, my naive fucking heart has led me straight to heartache and pain.
I believed that you understood my viewpoints - I believed that, finally, you had some level of understanding and respect for me.
I needed you to do those things so badly for me.
I have no words to express the pain and disappointment in my heart and head right now.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
I left you 'cos I could not take it anymore.
I stayed in contact with you and poured my heart out to you in the hope that at least 50% of it might sink in and you might realise how things really are.
You say i was looking for reasons to leave you - what you dont understand is I was looking for reasons to stay.
I loved you so much and thought you were the one for me.
I thought you would cherish me, love me and protect me. I wanted you to.
I can't believe you wont even answer my calls or return my texts. It's like you get off on torturing me. It's not enough to lie to me point blank, rope your brother in to lie for you and break my trust forever. You can't even step up to the plate and let me express to you the pain you've caused.
I have to suffer here alone, as I always do.
I'm still in shock that you are capable of this kind of behaviour. I had so much more faith in you. I knew we had issues but I did believe you wouldn't try to decieve me.
I can't trust anyone anymore and that is an incredibly lonely feeling.
Do you have any care or concern for me and what I'm going through right now? Or is it all about you again -I guess I made you do this or something cos I am such a controlling bitch who doesnt want you to have any friends.
You know all i fucking wanted was a partner who was mine and I would have belonged to you.
I wanted to come first, regardless of who may come knocking at your door.
I wanted you to have my back if anyone tried to attack me or the kids.
Surely, they are simple things. Why are they so hard for you to do????
Don't you think I deserve it? Am i somehow lacking some vital ingredient? Am I unworthy?
I used to feel like you saw me in a way no one else ever could. I guess if that was true you wouldn't allow me to sit here suffering while you turn your back on me.
You know I had an absolutley awful night on Friday night - I had a gut feeling you were with her - yet I held tight to what you told me and when you reached out to me upset and hurting on Saturday (which in hindsight was probably only guilt) I put my own feelings aside so that I could try and give you some kind of comfort.
How foolish was I? The tables have turned and you can't give me a bloody thing.
You know even when I've been super hurt by your actions, I've stood by you C.
I don't deserve this.
Youre so big on saying how you want me back and you want us to be together and have a future. I told you explicity and clearly on numerous occassions that I thought that could happen. I also told you what i needed from you. I never issued you any ultimateums. I never asked you to cut N from your life. I simply asked to be treated with respect and care. Is she SO important to you that you are willing to inflict this kind of pain on me?
Obviously, she is. Obviously youre relationship with her is so goddam important that I guess it literally does not matter how I feel. Obviously hanging out with her is paramount and justification to lie to me. Im just a single Mum from the suburbs after all. Maybe I should have fucked a few dudes behind your back, maybe I would warrant a bit more respect in your eyes then. Maybe you'd stick by me then.
I hope you're not lonely when N has her own family to tend to. You and I could have had our own. I hope tailing along with her life will fulfil you and make you feel happy.
You know we never had to be like this in the first place. I begged you to listen to the way you made me feel - and when I couldnt take anymore, I left you because of it.
Even after we had separated, I begged you to listen to me so we would have a chance of moving forward.
You cannot possibly be so stupid to not realise that your actions on Friday night were potentially fatal for us as a couple - yet you choose to go ahead and do it anyway.
Your choice is clear. I'm so sad over it and tearing myself up but I know I have to accept it, as much as it hurts ,e and makes me feel like my heart is just dead.
I HAVE to accept that this is how it is and this is who you are. You are not going to change.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise -- everything happens for a reason - maybe subconsciously you wanted to send me that text? I don't know.
What I will say is thankyou for the beautiful times and the good times. I will never forget them. You touched my heart in a unique and amazing way. The way you touched me will be unsurpassed forever. I will never get over you but I will try to learn to live with the circumstances.
I'm angry and furious with you but I still wish you love and luck.
I'm sorry that you couldn't find it within yourself to talk to me today of all days. I really needed you. I guess it's time for me to face up to the fact that you are not really here for me at all.
I enjoyed the illusion while it lasted.