Oh God, when will the pain stop

Just when I think C can't hurt me any more - she does. Via Facebook.

Facebook is both a blessing and a curse. Whilst it enables us to stay abreast of what our nearest and dearest are doing and communicate with them in an instant - it can also give us a glimpse into peoples lives that we don't necessarily want to see.

I checked my best friends Facebook page today so that I could post a message thanking her for the lovely Christmas evening we spent together. Whilst on her page, I noticed in her "friends list", Cs Sister in Law. This girl was a fixture in my life and the boys life for 3 years, along with her partner, Cs brother.

We were quite the little family unit for a long time - sharing many a weekend together cooking, eating, drinking and playing with the boys. Barbeques were had, day trips were taken, stories were shared and quite a bond was formed. Drunken evenings turned into lazy Sunday mornings where we all lazed about playing cards or board games. I adore them.

Anyway, thought I'd have a click on her page to see how she's doing - maybe send her a message to say hello. First thing that jumped out at me was a Photo Album she'd added called Ski Trip.

I wish I hadn't opened it.

The last thing I feel like seeing today is photos of C and N skiing together. Oh with N's token boyfriend tagging along.

This is almost indescribable but those images burned into my memory and caused a physical response in my body. You know that feeling where your stomach just drops. That one.

It shouldn't even matter to me, those photos were taken after we had broken up. It's just the thought that C is still with this person. The person she shares a relationship with that has caused me so much pain and made me feel like I was always "Girlfriend Number 2" so to speak. Just seeing their smiling faces in their matching outfits (ugh) compounds my belief that it is actually a fact that those two are on a life journey together and will never be divided.

I'm surprised at the hurt and pain it's bought to the surface with me. I thought I'd come much farther than this and accepted things for how they really are. I guess I have to admit to harbouring a flame in my heart for this woman, however stupid that is. I didn't realise it was burning so brightly, I thought it had dimmed to but a flicker. I was wrong.

Just knowing she is with this family group - which once I held to my heart as my own - with N - just kills me inside. It feels like she was only ever on loan to me, never completely mine as N was always there to drag her back to what they shared/share. It's like something stuck in my chest that I can't get out - it sticks there heavy and ominous and won't allow my mind to disengage from the thought of the two of them together.

It sickens me - angers me to the extreme, that this could have been MY family. If only she would have stepped up to the plate and given me the chance. I fucking tried so hard with that girl. It was all in vain. I know she is not ready to cut the apron strings and for some reason that I will never accept or define, N plays a role in her life that she will never stop clinging to.

You know, I begged her to listen to my feelings on this issue when we were together. I remember one evening when I got so drunk that I called her at 3am and said "Baby, this is eating me alive". Her response, "You're being ridiculous". I tried to approach her from every angle, I gave her scenarios, I broke it down in terms a child could understand, I even drew fucking diagrams. It all fell on deaf ears.

She allegedly "understands" now what she did and why it was wrong to behave in the manner she did. Pretty hollow isn't it, when they're sharing a fucking ski trip together. Cosy times.

I have to get this out, I have to let this writing flow - I cannot let this be a reason to drink today. I am almost 2 weeks sober. I cannot let her do this to me again.

I have to learn to put C in the right place in my life - the past. I'm starting to think I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself from moving forward. Other women are interested in me yet I look for the smallest reason to not take it further. I guess I'm not ready, there's obviously more grieving to do. More things I have to learn how to accept. They are bitter pills to swallow.

I still dream of her every night. I guess my dreaming mind is making sense of what has happened in ways I cannot achieve in a waking state.

I howled this morning after I saw those pics - gut wrenching, hot tears, my throat in knots, head in my hands, weeping from a primal place of fear and hurt. Will I *ever* find someone who can love me, truly? Or is this it? This constant disappointment and pain? I'm tired. I'm weary. I crave respite.

The timing couldn't be worse, I had an awful day yesterday with the Ex Husband placing demands on me re: my eldest child. Expecting to have him stay at his drug den of a house without me and my youngest son. The thought fills me with dread. I'm painfully aware of what goes on in that house and it's not scenarios I want my son to be privy to. My maternal instincts cry out to protect him yet at the same time I have no say over the Ex's legal rights to see him.

His Russian nature makes it impossible for me to reason with him or be up front, I have to pussy foot around and sugar coat everything trying to keep the boat from rocking, so that I can protect the children. Oh god, it is so hard - makes my heart feel so heavy with the burden of it. How I long for freedom. It's in vain though as it's just not going to come. This is a part of my life I have to deal with for at least the next 15 years - so why fight it. I should just suck it up, right.

Having said that, I do find it hard not to let it get on top of me from time to time. Just need to get this overnight visit over and done with so I can breathe again.

I feel so ripped off. I know I'm a loving, giving, loyal partner. So why does this shit happen to me? To quote my 3 year old "IT'S NOT FAAAIIIIRRRR". and whilst at age 35 I should know better than to revert to self pity and wallow in it, I have to admit it's exactly how I feel today.

My children have been screaming at each other all morning, the screams penetrating my brain and making me feel like I've lost my mind; fighting and goading one another - symptomatic of the school holidays I guess - add this to the tension of the photos fresh in my mind, the worry over my son's overnight stay with an irresponsible imbecile next week and my general withdrawl from alcohol and you are left with a cocktail of despair.

I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm so sick of feeling down. I wanna be one of those shiny, happy people that always seem to cope with whatever life throws their way. I know if I want that I have to work on it, work on being more positive, work on seeing the silver lining. I don't want to today, I can't today. I just don't have it in me.

I think this blog has saved me from opening the vodka today. For this I am grateful. I know it won't save me the pain - just postpone it for another day.

So bring it on Motherfuckers. I'm strong, although I feel so weak inside right now and like I wanna give up. I know that's not an option. I refuse to let them beat me.

It's such a lonely battle, makes me feel so small and alienated. I crave a partner yet at the same time I know I'm not ready for what that entails. I feel sentimental about the good parts of my relationship with Claire (and there were many) and anxious to contact her for comfort and support but I know I can never go back. I'm in limbo, really. Not healed enough to move on but still clinging to C in ways I shouldn't.

Depression snapping at my heels

This past week has been completely crap.

Don't get me wrong, I've had moments of unadulterated joy - my kids save me like that.

My ex husband however is the bane of my life and Iam struggling with his constant presence in our lives.

I am so envious of other women who leave their husbands and never have to see them again. I'm burdened with mine once a week and that doesen't include his almost daily phonecalls. Will I ever have my own life? Free of his insane influence and arrogance?

I guess it wouldn't be so hard to bear if he was a regular, decent kind of guy. He's far from that, though. He's not the kind of person I would have in my life at all if it wasn't for my legal obligations to him.

He is untrustworthy, unreliable, self absorbed, selfish, short tempered and I can't stand him. Having him in my home, watching him touch my things and silently judge me makes my skin crawl. I dread his visits and the aftermath of them quite often makes me physically ill.

His most recent visit on Sunday was one of the worst I have experienced with him.

His Russian mentality of raising our boys to be little soldiers who don't have tantrums, don't cry and basically just do whatever the fuck he wants them to do at that very second is totally unrealistic and often, in my opinion, cruel.

When he is here, I feel beyond stressed and on edge - listening to every word the kids say - hoping they don't say something he'll jump on, just waiting for him to open his stupid mouth and tell me how he's gonna take the boys away from me.

Generally, I've learnt to live with his presence and accept it as part of my life I cannot change. This past week though I've found the thought of him infringing on my life indefinately almost too much to bear.

My depression is lapping at my heels. I can feel it.

I cannot afford to let it get me again. I've come too far and I can't succumb. But oh, it is so dammed hard. I feel like my life is Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day.

It's a struggle every morning to drag myself out of bed and take my eldest to school. Thank Goodness we are in the last week of the year - I don't think I am capable of plodding on like this for much longer.

All I wanna do is lie on the couch and watch 6 Feet Under - my latest obsession - and for everyone to just leave me alone. I crave sleep. I know these are classic signs of depression, it's not lost on me - I'm aware of what's going on.

I miss C. Even though she has hurt me, I crave the kindness she gives me and the love she brings to my table. I feel so utterly, utterly alone. Here in the house, just me and the kids. The responsibility is overwhelming to me. I try my hardest every day of my life yet every night I go to bed feeling that I have failed.

I feel so confused on where I actually stand in it all. I'm working hard on processing the break down of my relationship with C and how I feel about it. Why do I have a different opinion every day? I can't seem to get a grasp on what it really is I want.

I'm more concise about what I don't want. That's easy for me to carve in stone. What's wrong with me? I feel so fucking negative about everything. My well's run dry, I'm tired and I'm burnt out. I have no reserves to draw on.

One of my last emails to C

you know, for years i suffered over you and n - feeling second best, taking a back seat. youre "real" life is up there with her and i'm stuck down here.
Even Friday night you were enjoying yourself and relaxing with her at her home with your family whilst i stupidly sat on my arse waiting for you to get home from your "quick dinnner with d" so that we could discuss some issues between us and you would hopefully garner some empathy and understand how i got to the point where i feel i cant trust you.
You KNEW i wanted you to come on the weekend, and you told me the reason you couldnt was cos of Lolas bday. Now i know the REAL reason was because N was having a dinner party at her place.
The simple fact is you could have been with me on friday night had you so wanted to - and had you wanted to work on our relationship as I was trying to do.
Why do you think I talk to you every day and help you and be with you in SL every night??? It's cos I was hoping that you would step up to the plate for me and show me that I am your number one and that youre solid and true and that i can trust you. I told you I needed you to, I told you I was waiting for you to.
Fuck you must have been pissing yourself. Fuckhead Natalia tapping away at the keyboard as per while you all party on. Fuck, she'll never find out so who cares right?? I guess you think it's OK to do whatever you want whenever you want as long as I stay in the background, oblivious - where i obviously belong.
You've made a complete fool out of me and I feel SO stupid, I cannot begin to tell you.
Again, my naive fucking heart has led me straight to heartache and pain.
I believed that you understood my viewpoints - I believed that, finally, you had some level of understanding and respect for me.
I needed you to do those things so badly for me.
I have no words to express the pain and disappointment in my heart and head right now.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
I left you 'cos I could not take it anymore.
I stayed in contact with you and poured my heart out to you in the hope that at least 50% of it might sink in and you might realise how things really are.
You say i was looking for reasons to leave you - what you dont understand is I was looking for reasons to stay.
I loved you so much and thought you were the one for me.
I thought you would cherish me, love me and protect me. I wanted you to.
I can't believe you wont even answer my calls or return my texts. It's like you get off on torturing me. It's not enough to lie to me point blank, rope your brother in to lie for you and break my trust forever. You can't even step up to the plate and let me express to you the pain you've caused.
I have to suffer here alone, as I always do.
I'm still in shock that you are capable of this kind of behaviour. I had so much more faith in you. I knew we had issues but I did believe you wouldn't try to decieve me.
I can't trust anyone anymore and that is an incredibly lonely feeling.
Do you have any care or concern for me and what I'm going through right now? Or is it all about you again -I guess I made you do this or something cos I am such a controlling bitch who doesnt want you to have any friends.
You know all i fucking wanted was a partner who was mine and I would have belonged to you.
I wanted to come first, regardless of who may come knocking at your door.
I wanted you to have my back if anyone tried to attack me or the kids.
Surely, they are simple things. Why are they so hard for you to do????
Don't you think I deserve it? Am i somehow lacking some vital ingredient? Am I unworthy?
I used to feel like you saw me in a way no one else ever could. I guess if that was true you wouldn't allow me to sit here suffering while you turn your back on me.
You know I had an absolutley awful night on Friday night - I had a gut feeling you were with her - yet I held tight to what you told me and when you reached out to me upset and hurting on Saturday (which in hindsight was probably only guilt) I put my own feelings aside so that I could try and give you some kind of comfort.
How foolish was I? The tables have turned and you can't give me a bloody thing.
You know even when I've been super hurt by your actions, I've stood by you C.
I don't deserve this.
Youre so big on saying how you want me back and you want us to be together and have a future. I told you explicity and clearly on numerous occassions that I thought that could happen. I also told you what i needed from you. I never issued you any ultimateums. I never asked you to cut N from your life. I simply asked to be treated with respect and care. Is she SO important to you that you are willing to inflict this kind of pain on me?
Obviously, she is. Obviously youre relationship with her is so goddam important that I guess it literally does not matter how I feel. Obviously hanging out with her is paramount and justification to lie to me. Im just a single Mum from the suburbs after all. Maybe I should have fucked a few dudes behind your back, maybe I would warrant a bit more respect in your eyes then. Maybe you'd stick by me then.
I hope you're not lonely when N has her own family to tend to. You and I could have had our own. I hope tailing along with her life will fulfil you and make you feel happy.
You know we never had to be like this in the first place. I begged you to listen to the way you made me feel - and when I couldnt take anymore, I left you because of it.
Even after we had separated, I begged you to listen to me so we would have a chance of moving forward.
You cannot possibly be so stupid to not realise that your actions on Friday night were potentially fatal for us as a couple - yet you choose to go ahead and do it anyway.
Your choice is clear. I'm so sad over it and tearing myself up but I know I have to accept it, as much as it hurts ,e and makes me feel like my heart is just dead.
I HAVE to accept that this is how it is and this is who you are. You are not going to change.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise -- everything happens for a reason - maybe subconsciously you wanted to send me that text? I don't know.
What I will say is thankyou for the beautiful times and the good times. I will never forget them. You touched my heart in a unique and amazing way. The way you touched me will be unsurpassed forever. I will never get over you but I will try to learn to live with the circumstances.
I'm angry and furious with you but I still wish you love and luck.
I'm sorry that you couldn't find it within yourself to talk to me today of all days. I really needed you. I guess it's time for me to face up to the fact that you are not really here for me at all.
I enjoyed the illusion while it lasted.

A hug from the other side of the world

I was beyond surprised yesterday to walk to my mailbox and receive a random package.

The package was from a beautiful friend of mine in Canada. I don't think she'll ever understand how much faith she restored in my heart with that package she sent me.

Never has someone done something for me so thoughtful, so caring, so from the heart. I am beyond touched that she would take the time to do that, for me.

She had made me a CD of songs to inspire and soothe me. To let me know she was thinking of me and supporting me from so far away. Hand picked songs I could draw strength and courage from. Not to mention the incredible embroided gifts for my children. To think she sat down and took the time to make them astounds and humbles me.

Thankyou, Susan for being such an amazing person. For being the type of person to reach out to others when I know you have your own pain to deal with. Yet you reach beyond yourself to offer others support and love. You are an inspiration.

I have to admit, I lay in bed last night thinking of what she had done for me and searching my memory banks for an occassion that someone in my life had reached out to me in such a way or taken the time to make something for me. I came up with nothing close.

I know I inspired C in her work as a fashion designer, I've seen the T shirts with my face on them, but she never gave me any artwork in the entire time we were together. And she's an artist - I feel a little short changed. I made her many a mix tape and CD yet I never received one in return. I never realised how nice it was to receive something like that.

This gift has opened up my eyes in more ways than one. I am grateful.

Random Ramblings....

So much on my mind this week, actually the last two weeks.

I'm 2 weeks sober today. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog.

I know how precarious my sobriety is and I can't afford to become complacent about it. It's strange because for someone who loves a drink so much, right now I feel so clean and healthy that I never want to see another bottle of vodka again.

Having said that, I'm aware of my own weaknesses and triggers. I know as soon as I feel overwhelmed, stressed, frightened or sad, that little voice will come from the shadows of my mind again and try to seduce me. I must be strong and remember why I'm doing this.

I have some thoughts I wish to get "out on paper" so to speak. I feel that in my clear headed state I'm starting to process a lot of things I haven't been able to before and get some clarity. Obvious, huh? I guess it's not easy to think things through properly when your head is clouded with vodka.

C and I split up nearly 6 months ago now and in that time I've swung wildly back and forth on where I stand about it all. On the one hand, it didn't really seem like a "proper breakup" as we would still see each other about once a month, have mind blowing, amazing, filthy sex and revert to our old ways.

On the other hand, I knew things had changed dramatically. I knew that by continuing to sleep with her randomly was offering her false hope and prolonging the separation that had to occur.

In many ways, I think C became my safety blanket. Not just in the last 6 months, either.

I've been thinking a lot about why our relationship went wrong. I know it boils down to two major things from my perspective. One - her relationship with her ex girlfriend and two - her relationship with a toxic friend of hers.

Without boring everyone with the details I will summarise by saying this: her relationship with her ex girlfriend never ended, it just changed forms. In my opinion they were like a couple in every respect other than the having sex part. Lines were blurred - they work together, gym together, lunch together, have holidayed together and gone sex shopping together. They are emotionally dependant on one another to the point where even their friends think it's weird.

I didn't like it. It kind of sucks when your girlfriends ex girlfriend comes over to your house and you end up watching the two of them talk to each other all night about things you can't relate to. And it kind of sucks when the said ex girlfriend deliberately steers the topic of conversation to scenarios you never witnessed and people you never met. Enough said.

Second toxic friend is the most poisonous and vicious person I have encountered in my life. I believe that I have encountered more than my fair share of girls who have a problem with me for whatever reason but this one takes the cake. I met her once when I was invited to her house for Christmas Day. It was the first time I ever met any of C's friends or family. I pulled out all the stops to make a good impression.

Her brothers were amazing, friendly, funny and engaging. Her sister in law couldn't have been cooler. But R (ugh even typing her name makes me feel ill) hated me on sight.

She spent most of the afternoon shooting daggers at me and my children. But the worst was yet to come.

It turns out that after I left the party, R proceeded to spout the most hideous and terrible lies about me that I have ever heard in my life. I can't even begin to repeat them here, I still find it painful to think of 3 years on. It was when she started the attacks on my children though that she went too far.

Whilst C cut back her friendship with R, she never really stepped up to the plate for me and put R back in her place. She spent a lot of years defending R and telling me how I should just "get over it". Here's the thing - I'll never "get over it" when someone sets out to attack my children. And I'll never get over someone telling lies to all who will listen about me, either. Especially when they were so abhorrent.

So there in a nutshell were the reasons we split.

There was an awful lot of good between us, and I guess there still is. But as I said, I've been thinking about it and I've realised a few things.

The first thing is C is never going to change. She is always going to be the kind of person who has an overwhelming desire to please her friends and quash her own thoughts and feelings for the sake of smoothing everything over. Often at my expense. This will not change.

Two - C is beyond amazing at talking the talk yet walking the walk is not so good. This is the crux of it for me. Looking back I can understand why I was so bitterly crushed at some of her actions. It's because they were in such contrast to the words she spoke and made me believe. When someone makes you feel so safe, so secure, so very loved and cherished, it hurts so much more when they let you down.

Three - I've realised in the last couple of weeks that I really DON'T deserve to be second best to my partner. I DO deserve to be treated with respect and care and if I have feelings they shouldn't be shot down. Even if my partner doesen't understand them.

I can see know how much of a battering my self esteem has taken in the last few years. I've undergone some terrible experiences and as a result I turned to booze. It wasn't the answer and it's done nought but to intensify my self loathing.

Again, I feel like the fog is clearing now and I'm hanging tight to these feelings of self discovery. I don't want this for myself, I don't want to be this person that I became. I know fundamentally, it's not who I am. I'm a strong woman! I've faced some hardcore situations head on and I've come through them in one piece.

I don't want a partner who has a life still merged with their exes. I don't want a partner who is hanging out with a woman who caused my years of grief. I don't want a partner who makes me believe then isn't here when I'm at my lowest.

More to come.