C is entering into a business partnership with N.
That sound you just heard was the bottom dropping out of my world or my safety net being yanked from me.
God, it hurts.
Before anyone wants to email me and tell me what a FUCKING IDIOT I am for continuing to see her - please don't - believe me I already know. I feel pretty stupid.
C. The name that stabs me and soothes me at the same time. How many times can I put myself through this? I don't handle this shit well.
My initial coping mechanism was to pour the vodka. I kept pouring it two nights running - it helped actually, I felt the pain but it was on the peripheral of y vision; I knew it was there but I couldn't really feel it.
I didn't drink last night, I decided on cigarettes solely instead. Today I have a very sore throat and an even sorer heart.
I feel wounded and I'm bleeding.
I don't think I can get past this. I'm gonna have to let her go. (yeah, right! sigh my non existant readers)
I'm starting to think I haver a serious self esteem issue; my sister and BFF think I have a problem with wanting to hurt myself which I obviously do. But not consciously - well not with C consciously I don't. The booze and the bingeing I know I do on purpose.
I just want to stop crying.
My kids have been sick all week; my ex husband is on the phone out of his mind on drugs constantly, I guess you could say I'm pretty fucking alienated and alone.
This blog is actually nad for me in a way - its fucking depressing seeing all the shit facts about me written down.
I really, really despise myself for being so dumb.
WHY oh WHY did I keep sleeping with her and slowly let my guard down.
I'm a fucking moron.
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