I'm not like the other Mums....

They always seem so hapy, so smiley, so on top of things.

Why can't I be like them?

Is it just the way I'm prgrammmed to function (to quite Lilly Allem) or am i soo fucked up that this is just how its supposed to be for me.

I'veneevr been particualr;y haopy in my life, I guess the closest ive ever come to it is in the earlydays of my marriage, and superceeding that (inevery way) my early days with claire.

Of course, my children surpass every thing. Without them, i wouldn't be here. no doubt.

I find myself at times, bordering on crazy. i can see this within myself and recognise it but it doestne make it any easier to live with. I drove today to buy the kids easter egs and i had to pull the car over to the side of the road so i wouldnt swerve into tohe oncoming. i bet the other mums dont feel like this.

my onlyoytlet is sex.

dirty, hardcore, xxx rated sex.

and secind life.

wtf i worng with me.

oh eah and booze.

im bulimis, except that i fdont always throw up - i eat and i eat and i eat. by rights i should be obese, but for some reason the ody can tak e it and snaps back everyday, still lookingfuckable - gauging the responses it earns me everytime i walk out of my house 0 which isnt often - i find it frigthening to bein public - too many eyes looking my way. what are they looking at??? i can understandit if the hair and makeup is in place, id look too - but whatabout when im not waerint the mask? why then?

what is it that makes ppl look at me? can they smell the despaor?

i had a metdoen today at my mums place, normally a place of refuge, but today for some reason ipanicjd and had toget home - racing out of the plav like a bat out of hell and offending all inthe process.

what the fuck is eron with me.

im starting to thing i might be biolar? im starting t think i need serios medficatrion. but how can i front up to some random doctor and tell him/her what is really going o with me. it goes against evrything isatdn for, keep everything to myself at all costs.

which i am aware is stupid, i am aware its not helping me - but where do i pul the fucking courage from to tell someone how it really is?????